How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
dude it’s called proctologist
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?