Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

how many bears make up a bear minimum

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear