Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”