*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.