Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.