Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

so weird how every mom was born today

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

The internet is magic sometimes.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week