Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed