Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

We need to put an American base on the sun

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.