Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
cats when you pet them too long:
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
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I have questions??
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.