Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Husband of the year 😂
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case