Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Reminder:

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares