[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’m the neighbor
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Had a spot of bother earlier.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”