[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?