[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Can’t, holding a grudge
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*