Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.