Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

my professor scared me for a second

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.