Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.