Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[montage of me giving-up]
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?