Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
