Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
