Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
He a real one for that
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
respect
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute