Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it