Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

I hope they boil the right one.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.