Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
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me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery