me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dolls on drugs
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]