me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*