ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
nyc:
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.