Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring