Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

guys i’ve cracked the code

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓