Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Just got to our Airbnb!

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

💀😭

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house