Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?