Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

😂😂

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

The sacred texts.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Just me and my debit card against the world

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.