Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

I feel it

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business