me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time