me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.