Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes