Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.