Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days