Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it