me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
You Might Also Like
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
c’mon!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you