Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Okey dokey.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
my fav colour is also hitler
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ