Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

my proudest tweet

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.