Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

won’t smith

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.