Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.