ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange