Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich