ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The happy life.. 😊
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?