ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?