me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
You Might Also Like
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something