me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Pringles
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.