Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had to share :’)

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

lmfao

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.