Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.