Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

hey, alexa

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail