[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack