Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Pat is about to own someone

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.