Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

good let them take over I have had enough

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.