Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.