Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

You’re like if “nope” was a person.