Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

How is it still this week?

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

My typo game is string.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.