Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

😲 WTF? 😆

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.