Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Lol #dogsoftwitter

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

Not all heroes wear capes…

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?