Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Me: how are you

Friday: good

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Oh boy, $150,000!

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.