ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i knowME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know
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Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all