ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i knowME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip