Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?