me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
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all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I have a type: disappointing
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.