me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Perfect
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.