me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.