Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

Best spot.. 😅

how high up are we talkin’?

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”