Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.