me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Time heals everything 🙂
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor