Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
WHY THE HELL NOT
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard